Who among us has never done or said something so awful, so terrible it’s painful to admit it? Something said or done while angry or perhaps drunk, enraged over some percieved hurt done to ourselves whether it was real or not? Maybe even a grand crime like burglery or murder or rape. And then we compound the act by denying it, or telling ourselves that it wasn’t really all that bad, or justifying it, even if we have to invent some alternative version, however fanciful, of what really happened, even blaming it all on the other person, and we believe it. How else can we live with ourselves? I’m not saying this is you, you understand. This isn’t an accusation. Not by any means….NO!
It takes courage to face terrible truths about ourselves and who has courage
when we believe we’ve been wounded to the core. To make it even worse, the ones we hurt are usually those we love the most.
Guilty on all counts your honor, I am ready to take my punishment.
“This is the price you have to pay for eating that damned apple, the fruit of knowledge of good and evil. What you have done is your punishnment.” Please forgive me, I asked, for I know not what I did. “I am not your judge, only your confessor. You yourself are your own judge. I can only forgive you by forgiving myself. How can I withold my love from you, whatever you have done, however terrible, when I am equally guilty myself, perhaps even more so. My love for you is unshaken!!”
………And we are left standing there in the dock in shock.
Was it only yesterday
that I saw a white butterfly dancing on the breeze
in the empty space before me?
In that moment,
where was the good, where was the bad
that caused me to grieve so
only moments before……?
Now I have seen you in all your pulsing beauty!
How passionatly your colors glow!
Oh great sorrow,
I have lost my pain……I have escaped!
How can I live without your suffering?
“Please, give it to me! Please!”
So innocent, I thought, so pure,
and then I returned to the scene of the crime.
We can never truely be hurt to the core. Our core is invulnerable and eternal and love itself. There is no need to protect it by closing our eyes and ears and hearts. It is only this earthly body that can and will enevitably be damaged and feel pain, because that is mortal.
There is no pain in love.
The body is temporary.
It only lasts for a short while.
Love is timeless.
Love is abundant.
You can’t own it.
It can never be stolen.
That’s all there is.
Your crime is love.
……to be continued.